| psychic? |
[23 Sep 2006|01:40pm] |
|
whoa, so after i updated with that last entry there, about being sick, i realized that the LAST entry i wrote was talking about how i was going to get sick. the kill me kind of sickness where i can't swallow. well, i can't. so i was right. am i a fucking psychic genius or WHAT.
|
|
| sick. |
[23 Sep 2006|01:36pm] |
|
i'm sick. today i have guitar lessons, dance class & nichole's party. but i'm sick. i hate feeling like this. my head is throbbing, feels like my brain is trying to push itself through my skull. my nose won't stop running; i swear i've used 4 kleenex boxes since last night. i can't breathe & my heart is starting to hurt now. what if i die? god damn it.
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|
| lame. |
[20 Sep 2006|04:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
wendy house by chantal kreviazuk |
] |
so i'm sick. i mean, i'm getting sick. i have that sickness taste in the back of my throat & my throat is burning. i hope i don't get sick. i wouldn't mind losing my voice; i love that. but i can tell this is gonna be one of those KILL ME sicknesses, where you can't swallow or move. perrrrfect. just what i need. lol. yeah so pretty much lots sucks right now. i'm losing my best friend since forever, we're growing apart & it's killing me. sdfjkfdsh is all hooking up with some girl, & i'm crazy about him. well i guess that's not lots, but it sure feels like it. those little things are weighing down everything, & everything feels so out of control. so fuck all of you.
|
|
| sdalkgmsdfh. |
[22 Aug 2006|10:21pm] |
|
okay. so today was a pretty good day. camp, then work, now home. i was tired as hell, but i had booster juice this morning which was SO good. oh my. today camp was good. man, ****** looks better every day. anyways, THIS WEEKEND I'M GOING TO LILAC. i got it off so i'm gonna go out & stay with aunty carlin i think. if jord can get it off she'll come. & it's halloween in august so it's gonna be a wicked party. & i'll get to see jeanguy. =| SO EXCITED. i'm afraid he changed his mind BUT, we'll see what happens. i hope we get to hang out quite a bit, when he's not working. i'll keep you posted. LATER.
|
|
| stars & the moon. |
[21 Aug 2006|07:17pm] |
|
i met a man without a dollar to his name,
who had no traits of any value but his smile.
i met a man who had no yearn or claim to fame,
who was content to let life pass him for a while.
& i was sure that all i ever wanted was a life like the movie stars lead.
but he kissed me, right here, & he said,
"i'll give you stars & the moon & a soul to guide you,
& a promise i'll never go.
i'll give you hope to bring out all the life inside you,
& the strength that will help you grow.
i'll give you truth & a future that's twenty times better
than any hollywood plot."
& i thought, 'you know? i'd rather have a yacht.'
i met a man who lived his life out on the road,
who left a wife & kids in portland on a whim.
i met a man whose fire & passion always showed,
who asked if i could spare a week to ride with him.
& i was sure that all i ever wanted was a life that was scripted & planned.
& he said,
"but you don't understand...
i'll give you stars & the moon & the open highway,
& a river beneath your feet.
i'll give you days full of dreams if you travel my way.
& a summer you can't repeat.
i'll give you nights full of passion & days of adventure,
no strings, just warm summer rain."
& i thought, 'you know? i'd rather have champagne.'
i met a man who had a fortune in the bank.
who had retired at age thirty, set for life.
i met a man, & didn't know which stars to thank,
& then he asked one day if i would be his wife.
& i looked up, & all that i could think of was the life i had dreamt i would live.
& i said to him, "what will you give?"
"i'll give you cars & a townhouse in turtle bay,
& a fur & a diamond ring.
& we'll be married in spain on my yacht today,
& we'll honeymoon in bejing.
& you'll meet stars at the parties i throw at my villas,
in nice & paris in june."
& i thought, 'okay.'
& i took a breath,
& i got my yacht.
& the years went by,
& it never changed
& it never grew
& i never dreamed.
& i woke one day,
& i looked around,
& i thought, 'my god,
i'll never have the moon.'
|
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| summerstars? |
[21 Aug 2006|07:11pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
content |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
songs for a new world: stars & the moon |
] |
so here are my 100 words for the day. actually, fuck this 100 words thing. i'll just write. haha! so today was the first day of this musical theatre program i'm in. yesterday & the past while i've sort of been blah about it. i didn't really want to do it, but then i got there & we got started & i remembered how great it was last year. i just feel so comfortable there, i can sing & do whatever. it's so great. we're learning this wicked song called "the 25th annual putnam county spelling bee", & i have a lot of solos in it. plus i'm learning this song called "stars & the moon" & it's so nice. i'll put the lyrics later. AND THE MOST EXCITING PART is that i might get to do a duet with one of two guys (steven, whose voice is SO GOOD, or luther who's gorgeous, & has a great voice too) so i'm trying to learn it so when we try it i'm all good & they'll want do it with me. but yeah i'll let you know what happens with that. oh ps, today this colan guy from work gave me a ride home. he's so good-looking, & really nice. we had a good chat. okay, GOODBYE.
|
|
| first thing i've written since. |
[21 Aug 2006|12:45am] |
|
sitting here, i don't
even know what to
say anymore. how can
you just forget? how
can you pretend this
never happened? i can't
sleep, i can't breathe
without you, & i
never even cross your
mind. do i really
not matter? did i
ever matter to you?
i'll tell you one
thing; at one point,
you were the only
thing that mattered to
me. every morning, i'd
wake up & think,
you know what, i
don't think i can
do this another day.
but then i'd think
of you, your cheap
little boy's grin, your
blue whirlpool eyes. i
can't pretend you didn't
shape me. i can't
pretend you didn't mean
anything. you were the
only thing that mattered.
you're the only thing
that will ever matter.
sometimes i think about
my life, & where
i've been, & where
i want to go.
i think about where
i'll be in ten
years. if i'll still
be alive then? if
i'll ever surrender to
this voice that's been
telling me, all these
years, to just give
up because nothing will
ever feel good again.
maybe i'll just live
forever. i'll fight through
this throat-deep numbness
until i reach that
day where the guy
in charge says, "you
know what, let's cut
her some slack." &
i'll be gone. i
wonder if i'll ever
feel okay without you.
i wonder why you
were sent to me,
& why i trusted
you in the first
place. why weren't these
voices here then? to
tell me, "no, girl,
stay away from this
one. he'll change you.
he'll break you." i
try to convince myself
that i'm good enough
without you. but i
know i'm not. at
one point, i was
just a person. your
typical girl, with big
brown eyes full of
wonder & anticipation. waiting
for the world to
grab me & throw
me & shake me
& teach me. i
was a person, 100%.
then you came along
& catapulted me to
43095846%. i was still
a person, of course,
but i was so
much more than that.
you made me so
much more. you gave
my life so much
meaning, so much depth.
i was a new
soul. now, you've gone
away, & i've sunk
back to zero. sure,
i was something before.
i was 100%, a
person. but you took
that away from me.
you took away what
i thought i was,
what i knew about
myself. now i know
nothing, except that i
am a fake. i'm
a fraud. i don't
know who i am
anymore, so i live
every day in complete
numbness. i walk these
streets, lying to every
person i make eye
contact with, "hello, i'm
a person you're walking
by. i live, i
have a soul, i
know myself & who
i've always been." i'm
not. i'm a blur,
a passing flash. i
lost my soul when
i lost love. i
don't even remember who
i was, because this
feeling brainwashed me into
the present. i am
no one. i don't
know how to end
this piece, because there
are no endings anymore.
it just floats, it
never stops, never changes,
i just goes on
& on, not knowing
when to end or
how to. but someday
i will end, &
this violent hold you
have on me will
end, & i will end,
& it will be
like i never existed.
& i will sit
in a room, not
actually there, waiting for
the paper to come
with an ad for
the movie they'll never
write about me. &
then the movie will
end, & then i
will end, & everything
will be okay again.
|
|
|
[21 Aug 2006|12:13am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
mellow |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
dixie chicks: everybody knows |
] |
okay so i'm trying this new thing where i write 100 words here every day. which won't be hard, cause it's not a lot, really. 100 words. what i just wrote up until NOW, was already 34 words. i'm doing this because of some website i stumbled across that was this guy wrote 100 words every day from like may 1st, 2001, & he's been going forever. i think i can do it. i mean even if there's not a lot to write about, 100 words is like nothing. you could ramble for 100 words & not even notice you're rambling, like i am right now. yeah jeanguy told me about that stumble thing & it's like god. you click this "stumble!" thing on your internet toolbar & it takes you to a random page about something you're interested in. when you sign up you check off all the things you like (games, music, photography, sports, poetry, etc.) & it'll bring you to a that-related page. it's so wicked, i've come across some sweet things. speaking of jeanguy, i like him so much. i have since i met him, pretty much. a few days ago we hung out, & i had such a great time. it was me, him, riley, tyler m, then tyler c, & this miles kid & this other nick kid. we didn't do much, mainly just driving around, then finding somewhere to park & parking there. then driving to another spot, & so on & so forth. (i just realized i've written WAY more than 100 words. whatever, i have a lot to say.) so then later that night on msn, me & jeanguy had a great talk where we discussed how we feel about eachother, & it seems we feel pretty similar towards one another. we feel awesome when we're together, & we want that more often. we want to hang out more, so this feeling between us can grow & we'll see what it'll grow into. which i'm looking forward to. but he lives pretty far away, outside of winnipeg in a little shitsville called lorette, but he's getting a car soon so it'll make it easier, but whatever. we'll see how it goes. i like him so much though. everything about him makes me smile. often, when we're together, i find myself smiling to no one just because i'm so happy with him. you know? so i think we could be something amazing. but i don't know. should i trust again? should i throw myself full throttle into something that's so unstable, undecided?
|
|
| neutral. |
[16 Jul 2006|01:03am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
indifferent |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
iron maiden: fear of the dark |
] |
okay. i know i haven't written in a while, but i've been super busy. actually, that's a lie. 90% of my summer has been sleeping, & when i'm not sleeping i'm working. so i guess that's not really busy, but it is, in a way. but ANYWAYS. things have been sort of neutral lately. i'm not super happy with anything, but i'm not upset. nothing extravagant has happened in a long time. i wish something would. i want to either be really depressed or really happy. just, feel anything. i haven't felt anything in a while. my summer has basically been, like i said, sleeping & working. there's the odd drunken night, or adventure, but really it's quite a disappointment, to be honest with you. you picture the summer as this big 2-month-long party, drunk every night, blah blah blah. frankly, it's bullshit. it's july 16th, about two & a half weeks into summer & i've maybe been drunk.. 4 times? not even. & high like 3 times. wtf. that's so not how i imagined my summer being. but whatever. there are a couple things i'm excited about, shall i name them?
-- lilac in 3 sleeps with jorlord. should be a fucking good time. we're going to bring booze, so even if there isn't a party, we're going to walk around & get drunk by ourselves. we'll get hit on by horny, bald, sunburnt old men & laugh at the stars & the crazy (scary) geese in the pond.
-- the day (TBA) melodie & i get high & walk around osborne. maybe i'll buy a dress or room stuff. maybe. or maybe not. since i'm broke. & need to save up whatever i do scrounge up for my truck.
-- THE TRUCK i might get next summer. well chances are i will. jon just bought a truck from his brother for 800$ & he might sell it to me when i get my liscence/save up enough money for it! which is going to be incredible. it's literally my dream truck. i would orgasm every time i rode it. literally.
but there is one thing i'm pretty upset about. well, was. see, on thursday night jordyn, chenks, thomas, johnny & i hotboxed thomas' car. all was going quite swell, actually it was going fabulous, but then i realized i didn't know where my cellphone was. we looked, but it was nowhere to be found. so that's shitty. now i have to go buy another one, which is gonna be like 150$ that i don't have, so am borrowing from jordyn until i get my cheque so i'll pay her on friday, fuck i feel like a charity case, but i need to get another one & activate it on my plan before my mom finds out. fuck. that's stressful. but it'll be okay because i'm gonna get it tomorrow, activate it, whatever. it'll be fine.
FUCK. i don't know. whatever. i'm tired. goodnight.
ps: i miss mr hayes & mr schepp. & mr yerex a little bit.
|
|
| OMFG CONCERT x 2 |
[25 Jun 2006|12:14am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
excited as fuck |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
rent soundtrack: i should tell you |
] |
OMG OKAY LOTS OF NEWS.
FIRST & FOREMOST, GUESS WHO THE FUCK IS GOING TO THE ALL-AMERICAN REJECTS CONCERT JULY 19TH. YES, IT'S ME. WORST SEATS EVER & I'M GOING ALONE BUT IT'S STILL GOING TO KICK ASS. THEY'RE MY FAVORITE BAND IN THE WORLD & I CAN'T WAIT. YAHOO.
SECONDLY, GUESS WHO IS GOING TO THE DIXIE CHICKS CONCERT. YES, IT'S ME AGAIN. & CHENKS & KAYLA & ANOTHER PERSON WE HAVEN'T CHOSEN YET. SO THAT'S GOING TO BE INCREDIBLE. AUGUST 19TH. WOOHOO.
THIRDLY, I LIKE MY JOB. A LOT ACTUALLY. MY FAVORITE PEOPLE THERE ARE: MATT, NICK, LISA, ADRIENNE, & ALIA. MORGAN JUST QUIT WHICH IS REALLY SAD CAUSE I LIKED HIM A LOT TOO. BUT WE DECIDED WE'LL DO SOMETHING TOGETHER SOME TIME.
OKAY NO OTHER NEWS CAUSE I'M TIRED. GOODNIGHT.
PS: THIS WHOLE ENTRY IS IN CAPITAL LETTERS CAUSE IT IS A SHOW-NOT-TELL (FUCKING MS WIELER) EXPRESSING MY EXCITEMENT FOR THE CONCERTS. YAHOO.
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|
| sex. |
[17 Jun 2006|03:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cynical |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the breakfast club |
] |
the person who knows you best
is the one person who can hurt you the most.
but they are also the one person who can help you the most.
that is the risk of loving.
ps: i'm cynical. whatever on earth that means.
|
|
| newz. |
[09 Jun 2006|05:37pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sick |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
led zeppelin: thank you |
] |
okay i have some news.
firstly, i like theo. a lot. & he likes me. hopefully things are different this time, with him.
secondly, I HATE LARA'S LITTLE SISTER SO MUCH IT MAKES ME WANT TO KILL MYSELF.
shut up little redhead.
thirdly, i'm sick. fuck this shit. i can't breathe through my nose.
fourthly, i slept with my contacts in last night. & haven't taken them out yet. & it's 530 pm. so i might be blind.
okay that's all.
goodbye.
|
|
| i remember when i was obsessed with this band. |
[04 Jun 2006|08:02pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
evanescence: my last breath |
] |
hold on to me, love.
you know i can't stay long.
all i wanted to say was i love you, & i'm not afraid.
can you hear me?
can you feel me in your arms?
holding my last breath;
safe inside myself are all my thoughts of you.
sweet raptured light,
it ends here, tonight.
i'll miss the winter;
a world of fragile things.
look for me in the wide forest, hiding in a hollow tree.
(come find me)
i know you hear me.
i can taste it in your tears.
holding my last breath;
safe inside myself are all my thoughts of you.
sweet raptured light,
it ends here, tonight.
closing your eyes to disappear.
you pray your dreams will leave you here.
but still, you wake & know the truth.
no one's there.
say goodnight.
don't be afraid.
calling me, calling me
as you fade to black.
|
|
| i really fucked up good this time. |
[04 Jun 2006|07:56pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
guilty |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
disturbed: down with the sickness |
] |
you stupid sadistic abusive fucking whore.
|
|
| tale as old as time. |
[02 Jun 2006|06:50pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
indifferent |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
dixie chicks: you were mine |
] |
so today i found out i got mrs potts in the school musical next year. we're doing beauty & the beast, obviously. i wanted belle, but i didn't count on it since i'm only in grade 10. allison & alysha got it. which i have quite an opinion about, but i'm not going to say it because i'm trying to be less of a bitch. but whatever. mrs potts does sing that one big song "beauty & the beast" which is like the THE song. so i'm happy i guess. so yeah. today i worked for 37 minutes. i was greeting & kris is just like "wanna go?" i'm like "yeah." she's like "okay bye." i'm like SWEET. so later i'm going to jordyn's to get shitfaced, which will be one hell of time. so i'm gonna go take a bath. LATER alligator(s).
|
|
| love is two-faced. |
[02 Jun 2006|06:48pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
broken-hearted |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
faith hill: like we never loved at all |
] |
love
joy lust
fulfillment
happiness pure
butterflies heartbeat
belief complete healing
passion friendship forgiving
understanding union romance
compassion respect attraction sex
magnetic soulmate discovery adventure
love
lies guilt
naivety games
pain shame fallen
plotting regret foolish
defeated lonely addiction
broken hatred murder self-harm
depression disbelief insane suicide
embarassed death outside stolen locked
fire accident crush abuse knife drug goodbye
|
|
| quiz. |
[02 Jun 2006|06:33pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
aggravated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
faith hill: let me let go |
] |
IN 2006;
1. Have you had a gf/bf?
no.
2. Have you had your birthday?:
no.
3. Been to church?
no.
4. Cried yet?
yeah.
5. Had someone close to you pass away?:
no.
6. Pulled an all nighter?:
no.
7. Drank starbucks?:
yeah.
8. Went shopping?:
yeah.
9. Been Camping?
no.
10. Been to the beach?
yeah.
11. Bought something for over $200?
no.
12. Met someone new?
yeah.
13. Been out of your home state?
no.
14. Gone snowboarding?
no.
15. Kissed someone?:
yeah.
16. Slept in a friend's bed:
yeah.
17. Snuck someone over?:
no.
18. Snuck out of your own house?
no.
19. Been to a bar?:
i've been in a bar. i didn't go to drink though, it was just at bp.
20. Bought a car?
no.
21. Gone over your cell phone bill?
no. three months for free bitchez. :)
23. Drove somewhere?
no.
24. Done something you regret?
yes.
LAST..
Thing you bought?
pizza & cactus cuts today at bp.
Person you hugged?
hintz.
Person to call you?
hintz.
When was the last time you felt stupid?
today at work, opening to door for people.
When was the last time you walked/ran over a mile?
i don't know how far a mile is, but it was probably on gate night with rebecca when we walked from our house to the school. yeah. brutal.
Who was the last person who you saw cry?
whoever was at work when i walked into the bathroom crying.
Who was the last person who made you cry?
the school. in general. well mainly the musical crew.
Last person who you watch a movie with?
graeme.
Who last told you they loved you?
my mom.
Who makes you smile most?
my bffs.
What are you listening to right now?
let me let go by faith hill.
Song that's stuck in your head right now:
let me let go by faith hill?
Do you think your ex misses you?
i hope to god he does.
|
|
| asjkfhdshhj; |
[31 May 2006|09:45pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
peaceful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
carrie underwood: inside your heaven |
] |
today i saw him for the first time since he broke my heart.
i was just scared.
scared of what i felt,
scared of what he felt.
scared of what i'd say.
scared of what he'd think.
scared of the color of his eyes.
scared of what would happen,
if i said what i wanted to say.
scared of what i'd do,
if i heard what i wanted to hear.
scared of making eye contact.
scared of what he was thinking at that exact moment.
scared of how he was looking at me.
scared that i'd fall apart right in front of him.
i really wanted to say something.
i wanted to tell him how amazing he is.
tell him how much i miss him every second he's not beside me.
tell him how much it hurts to breathe when i can't feel him.
tell him how great he still looks.
tell him how his eyes hypnotize me.
tell him how much i need him.
tell him how happy he makes me.
tell him how perfect we are for eachother.
tell him that i can still see the intenseness in his eyes.
tell him how scared i am.
tell him how in love i am.
|
|
| desperation. |
[31 May 2006|09:38pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
awake |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
chantal kreviazuk: leavin' on a jet plane |
] |
i just want to scream at you.
i want you to be shocked at my frustration.
disappointment.
disappointment in who we are, and where.
i want you to stammer, and grow wide-eyed,
not knowing how to respond
to my explosion of passion.
if only you'd just listen to me.
not with your ears, but with your eyes.
look me in the eye when you talk to me.
see my eyes erupt with emotion,
every time i look at you.
watch my body as it screams out to you,
cries of loneliness.
desperation.
"i fucking love you; don't you get it?!"
i just want you to understand how you make me feel.
i just want you to tell me that you get it,
and that you feel the exact same way.
i just want to scream at you.
|
|
| bff; |
[31 May 2006|09:35pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cheerful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
dixie chicks: not ready to make nice |
] |
when you make that oath to someone
when you say that they're your best friend
it means you'll do anything for them, and use all the power you can,
to help them when you know they need you the most.
once you state the label of best friends,
nothing can tear you two apart.
not a boy, not a girl, not the end of the world. nothing can separate this bond you two have formed.
nothing can posess you to throw away all the memories, all the battles and challenges
that you two, as best friends, have gotten through together.
helped eachother through, as one, because once you're best friends,
when they hurt, you hurt.
you've adopted a piece of their heart,
and given them a piece of yours in return.
so that when they feel, so will you.
best friends means no disagreement, no misunderstanding will mean a thing.
a couple days of dirty looks and rumors.
but after the drama, you two are back together, as one unit,
standing together in the path of the dangers ahead of both of you.
best friends means forever.
when me and you made that pact of not just friendship, but best friendship
we told ourselves that we'd always have eachother.
not to worry, because the other would always be there for us, to help us, to save us
no matter what has happened or is happening.
and nothing could ever tear us apart.
that's what best friendship is all about.
a misunderstanding shouldn't be the cause of the complete breakup of two best friends.
it takes extreme measures and ridiculous events
to completely break the bond that two best friends have,
whether it's over a course of a long time, or in one split second.
now, i don't know what that extreme event was
that made you decide that our best friendship was worth being broken up over
and i'm not asking you to explain it to me
all i'm asking is that you really think..
if in the long run, is this all worth it?
the stupid fights that friends have..
no.. that best friends have.
are they really worth losing someone who's practically your sister?
i know that what we have is special, and not many people get the chance to have a relationship like we do.
maybe i cherish this way too much, maybe you don't,
but i know that it takes two certain people to achieve that certain level of best friendship,
and i know we got there.
|
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